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Smoking 101

Many of you are probably wondering, "How can I smoke the tires in my econopoopster? Well, grab a pen and paper, because class is in session.

Lesson 1

Obviously, the first thing you need is a car and a piece of pavement. Don't go out on the neighborhood gravel road and kick up gravel and call it squealage. A go-cart can turn them over on gravel. No, no, we want true, American rubber being laid. First attempt, just stop the car, away from those who would object to pure American fun, and floor it. If your car has power, voila, squealing should occur.

Lesson 2

What's that, your tires didn't break loose? Don't fear. That is only the first way to squeal them, and only a precious few cars can do it nowadays. Next step, powerbrake. Put your left foot on the brake. Very good. Now put your right foot on the gas. Hard. Floor it. Don't worry about your brakes. If your car didn't have enough power to squeal them in Lesson 1, it probably won't turn them here. Now lift up your left foot from the brake. If it's a manual, give it high rpm's and dump the clutch. Alleluia, it's a miracle.

Lesson 3

Still can't roast the rear meats? Take your car to a gravel road that intersects a paved road, or on a paved road with some gravel on it. Put your drive tire(s) on the gravel. Now floor it. Watch as your tires spin on gravel, then hit pavement. They should squeal. If not, try power braking on the gravel. Then listen. How sweet it is.

Lesson 4

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you still can't squeal them, all hope is not lost. Floor it around a turn, and if you are going fast enough, squealage is a guarantee. Try it on a cold day or night, with low humidity. Your car will have more horsepower. Also, try it with a cold (recently started) engine. Again, colder intake air means more horsepower, right Summit Racing?

Lesson 5

Now we've got problems. Your car is very, very weak. Try it on a wet surface, or dump some oil down. Unconfirmed reports claim WD-40 works well. Hopefully, you can get squealage.

Lesson 6

What can I say? The last thing you can try is sell your underpowered econobox piece of shit, and get a real car.

Disclaimer: All ideas presented in this article are meant for fun. Author is not responsible for any results occuring from the actions of people because of this article.